Bereavement vs Grief (Symptoms, Patterns & Support)

It is a sad and unavoidable fact that most human beings will experience loss at some point in their lives. If this is you right now, please know that you are not alone. There is support available if you need it.

When you lose someone or something important to you, it is natural to experience grief. This can come in many forms and affect people in different ways. Particularly for sudden deaths, life can feel really surreal to begin with, almost as though you have entered an alternate plane of existence while the world keeps turning for everyone else.

Together, we will walk through what bereavement and grief mean, the common symptoms, patterns grief can take, and the kinds of support that may help during this time.

Bereavement vs Grief: The Key Difference

Bereavement is the loss of a loved one, usually through death, though the term can also be used to describe ambiguous losses, such as when someone goes missing or has late-stage dementia.

Grief is the emotional and physical state experienced during and after a bereavement or after another significant loss in your life. Some common triggers for grief reactions include:

• A loved one’s death
• The end of a relationship
• The loss of a job
• Losing your home
• A decline in health
• Other significant life changes

Grief Symptoms

In the short and long term, grief can have detrimental effects on both your physical and mental health, especially if you do not acknowledge and address it.

Sometimes you may be grieving but not realise it. Perhaps you have experienced a big life change that resulted in loss, even while you gained something positive. Take a new mother who simultaneously feels joy about having a baby but still grieves that her body feels different to how it did before. If you’re noticing any of these emotional or physical changes, know that they are normal human responses to loss:

Emotional symptoms of grief

• Sadness: Profound sadness is one of the most recognised signs of grief. You may feel waves of emotion sweep over you, sometimes triggered by memories, anniversaries, or quiet moments when the loss feels especially present.
• Anger: Some people feel frustrated or angry after a loss. This anger may be directed at circumstances, other people, or even the person who has died or left, and it is a normal part of processing complex emotions.
• Guilt: Perhaps you feel guilty because you worry that you didn’t make the most of what you had before you lost it. Or you think, “if only things had been different,” you might have been able to stop the loss from happening.
• Anxiety: Grief can make the world feel less stable or predictable. You may feel restless, worried about the future, or unsettled in ways that are difficult to explain.

Physical symptoms of grief

• Gut issues: The gut and brain are closely connected, so emotional distress can often show up as physical discomfort in the stomach. This can affect the digestive system, leading to nausea, stomach pain, loss of appetite, or changes in bowel habits.
• Fatigue: You may feel your energy levels are low, no matter how much you sleep, as your mind and body work to process difficult emotions.
• Poor sleep: Many people find that their sleep becomes disrupted during periods of grief, whether through difficulty falling asleep, waking often, or having strange dreams and nightmares.
• Headaches: Crying bouts can cause muscles in the head and neck to tighten, leading to headaches or migraines. As grief can make it difficult to relax or sleep, you may also find that you carry a lot of tension in your shoulders.

Types of Grief

Grief is not something that can (or should) be tidied neatly away. It is messy, complex, and comes in many different shapes and sizes. You could experience it in any of the following forms, and possibly more than one at the same time.

Anticipatory grief

When you know that you are going to lose someone soon, as in the case of terminal illness and impending death, you may experience grief symptoms in advance of the event. For conditions like dementia, this can be particularly upsetting, as it may last for years. When your loved one does finally pass away, you may feel relief or like you have lost them twice.

Collective grief

In instances of collective loss, a group of people goes through the grieving process together. A family sharing feelings of sadness at the loss of a beloved dog may choose to scatter the ashes in a place that their pet enjoyed. For a nation grieving the consequences of a natural disaster, citizens may lay out flowers and candles in the streets to commemorate and collectively recognise their shared sadness.

Disenfranchised grief

Disenfranchised grief, a term coined by Dr Kenneth J. Doka in 1987, is grief that is difficult to express publicly. A doctor grieving a patient he couldn’t save or a child who isn’t allowed to attend a grandparent’s funeral are examples of this. According to Doka’s theory, grief needs to be validated and recognised in order to be processed. When this is unable to occur, it can make you feel “stuck”.

Delayed grief

There are some circumstances in which you may not be able to process your loss until long after the event. Bereaved children, for example, may not fully understand what has happened when a parent dies and will struggle to come to terms with it until they are much older. Faced with the responsibility of raising a young family, the widowed father might simply not have the time or headspace to face the reality of his spouse’s death.

Secondary grief

When a spouse passes away, the surviving partner may face additional life changes that extend beyond the death itself. Their home situation or social circles could change, or they may realise that the person they turned to for comfort is the very person they have lost. Unfortunately, this secondary grief can be a risk factor for longer-term, complicated grief.

Complicated grief

Acute feelings of grief tend to mellow as time passes but can re-intensify at certain moments, for example, on anniversaries. When acute grief is felt almost continually for a long period of time (more than 6-12 months), it may be diagnosed as complicated grief or prolonged grief disorder. That being said, this doesn’t mean there is something “wrong” with you for continuing to grieve for a long time – in fact, for many people, the grief never fully goes away. A diagnosis is simply one tool that may help you receive the emotional support you need.

The Grieving Process

There are a few common feelings and experiences that many people have throughout the grieving process, but if it is different for you, then that’s okay. Everyone grieves in their own unique way. The five stages of grief (denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance) are often cited as a way to understand the grieving process, but it is important to remember that grief is not linear.

It may be more helpful to think of grief as different emotional and practical states or experiences that you can move back and forth between at different times.

1. Numbness

When you experience a loss or receive the news of the death of a loved one, you may not feel anything at all. This is completely normal – you do not need to feel guilty about it. Loss is a kind of trauma, so sometimes our brains block out our emotions to create a “distance” from the event. It’s a survival mechanism, especially if there are many practical tasks that you need to attend to and don’t have a safe space to process.

“I didn’t particularly want to be plunged into sadness and grief but wondered if I was unfeeling. Did I not appreciate or love them enough, if I don’t miss them that much?”

(Anne, Bereavement affinities study)

2. Administration

The administration associated with loss is a hard reality of change. However, from planning funeral arrangements for the loss of a loved one to applying for visas when you need to move country, administration is a big part of the grief puzzle. For some people, it is an important part of facing the fact that the change has really happened, and for others, it can help to have practical things to do to keep them busy. For many though, it is simply extra stress during what is already a difficult time.

3. Expression

You may feel extremely sad when you remember that things are not the same as they used to be or that you will never again experience the good things associated with the person, job, or life circumstance you have lost. Some people express this through crying, yelling, screaming, or maybe becoming quieter than usual. Others use creative tools as a release or seek emotional support by talking to a support group or seeking out psychological talking therapy.

4. Adjustment

Over time, many people begin to find ways to adjust to life after their loss. This does not mean the grief has disappeared, but rather that daily life slowly becomes more manageable again. You may begin to develop new routines, roles, or ways of carrying the memory of what you have lost with you.

Support for Grief and Bereavement is Available

Whatever you are going through, you are not alone. It might be tempting to isolate yourself with your grief, especially if you feel like it is too much or you are worried about being a burden.

Bereavement counselling can help with this, providing a safe space for you to process your grief, whatever form it takes, and to find a positive way forward for the future. In some cases, this might mean learning to let go and accept your life transition, but in other cases, it may mean growing with the grief. Reach out today for support.